Alcohol takes away the pain until it doesn’t

A real story shared under a changed name – thank you to the storyteller.

Terry - Registered Nurse. 

Just before COVID took off, my world started to tumble down. I’d worked in nursing for more than 30 years in the acute hospital and the community setting. I really liked helping other people. I didn’t know why it became increasingly hard to do the work. As a nurse you feel you should keep going and are ashamed to think you might need help yourself. Fear of recrimination and expulsion from your profession is very real. 

Drinking to cope with life and work stress 

I’d been married for almost as long as I’d been nursing. Alcohol was an increasingly big part of me, and my spouse’s lives. As my children became teens, my wife and I grew apart and I felt isolation in my family. I used alcohol to deal with the stress. For me it was to numb and blot out feelings of despair, which just made it worse. It also stopped my growth and any good feelings. Alcohol takes away the pain until it doesn’t and then it takes away the joy as well. 

Then I felt isolation at work and alcohol became a way to hide from all of that. I was in the process of being managed out of my job of 17 years in community care, because of my alcohol use and poor mental health. I experienced workplace bullying by my manager and suffered a breakdown. 

I got to the stage where I was taking a lot of leave from work. I was using long service leave to deal with burnout. I did some resilience workshops but I kept on drinking. I thought: ‘maybe it is the alcohol that is the problem’. I’d go a couple of days without alcohol and then I’d start drinking again. 

My problem was that I couldn’t see any solution. I couldn’t see a way out. I thought ‘I’m failing at everything. People would be better off if I wasn’t here’. Feelings of failing my family were ever present. I realised I am failing them anyway, and perhaps dying was the other option. I didn’t want that. 

Accessing non-judgmental, confidential peer support 

I accessed the Nursing and Midwifery Health Program Victoria (NMHPV) pretty much out of desperation. It gave me a safe non-judgemental space to explore my options. With their support, I went to AA and stopped drinking.  

I realised alcohol had been my way of hiding from conflict at home and at work. It worked until it didn’t.  It was destroying my relationships.  You can’t create new patterns or ways of thinking when you’re still drinking. Stopping gave me the space to start healing. 

I was lucky to have the NMHPV. I learnt that it’s ok to be human. Sobriety has allowed me to face my issues, family reliance on alcohol, broken trust, toxic communication patterns.  My health problems are still there, I still have stress but I’m not drinking and I’m working. I’ve learnt to be kind to myself and continue to work on things.  

My message to other nurses is to reach out if you need help. This is a service for us – nurses and midwives. Too often we don’t admit stress till we are broke. We’re responsible for caring for others, but to do that well, we must care for ourselves too.